The title says it all.
Content warning: the following is my own version of the Owl House and this excerpt contains excessive swearing, political jokes, inappropriate references, teen-to-adult premises that absolutely not safe for Disney Channel, drug use, and a stupidly thick Scottish accent from an original character. Reader discretion advised.
The alarm goes off and just like that, Luz Noceda is up.
Luz Noceda is a 17-year-old teenage human girl living in a place called the Boiling Isles. That’s the strange part, but we’ll explain in a bit.
Several years ago, following her father’s death and due to her school’s principle suggesting her mother use both medications and a reality check camp to control her, Luz ran away from home and ended up meeting a strange old woman named Eda Clawthorne and her roommate/business partner, a Scottish man named John Doe.
She gets up and changes from her pajamas into a ratty white tee shirt with purple stripes, her jacket (which used to be Eda’s), sweatpants, white slip-on shoes, and red beanie complete with pins. She quickly makes her bed (a simple cot. Hey, even runaways know manners and shame on you for thinking different) and she walks out into the hall, humming lightly to herself. She runs down the stairs, jumping over the last 3, and she runs into the kitchen.
Eda is a tall, slender woman in her mid-to-late 40s, with ivory skin, pointed ears, and mismatched eyes, with her left eye being silver and her right being golden. Her untamed hair is thick, long, and layered with tones of gray with the left side having a stripe of white. She has a screw-in golden fang that sticks out, orange claw-like nails, and an oval amber gem on her sternum. She is wearing a longer three-toned maroon dress with mid-length sleeves and a ripped hem with light gray leggings. Her boots are dark gray.
John, on the other hand, looks like he’s in his 20’s and is tall with a powerful build, with pale white skin, eyes of crimson, thick dark red hair, and a nose that can be used for committing murder. He also has a large burn scar along his chest, going up to his neck. He’s wearing a black dress shirt buttoned up to the collar, black jeans, black dress shoes, and a white trench coat, all clashing with the hair.
The main part about John is probably the wings.
Folded on his back through long holes in the coat and shirt are rather large black raven wings, which makes sense, since John is in angel. Also, Eda is a Witch
It’s time to address this. The reason Luz being a human in the Boiling Isles is a big thing is because the Isles are part of the Demon Realm. The dimensional space of the Earth is spread over the globe twice over, creating what is essentially a mirror of the Human Realm, with an uncountable number of differences that set them apart.
John has messing around with a Rubix cube that Eda got from her last little trip while Eda reads the newspaper. (“Goblin Strike in Latissa. Emperor’s Coven puts out official statement.”)
John looks up from the cube and at the hyperactive and bouncy teen before saying, in his thick accent, “Luz Noceda! ye hae a stowed day ahead?”
Luz, having picked up on Scottish slang over the last few years, says, “What makes you think that?”
“Ah mean, ye did run in ‘ere lik’ a bat oot o’ hell. Ye’r an’ a’ sportin’ th’ beanie wi’ th’ bisexual pin. Ye ainlie wear that whin ye think tis gonnae be an amazin’ day.”
Eda looks up from the paper and sips a bit of Apple Blood from her “30 & Flirtey” mug before saying, “How did you even notice that?”
John leans back in his chair and, without looking, begins to solve the Rubix Cube. “That’s because ah pay attention tae th’ small shat, Eda. Ye, oan th’ ither haun, you only pay attention tae shiny stuff.”
Eda puts on a look of mock outrage. “I do not!”
John gives her a “You are full of BS” look before pulling a coin out of his pocket. “You sure? whit aboot this gold coin?”
Eda sees the coin shine in the sunlight and her eyes widen with delight. “It sparkles and shimmers, it shines and delights. I must have it!”
John nearly falls out of his chair as he quickly moves aside as Eda lunges for the coin… and proceeds to smash headfirst into the fridge. Luz and John help Eda up.
Eda brushes the dust off her dress before she says, “I actually need you two to do something in town.”
Luz raises an eyebrow. “And that would be…?”
Eda walks over to the table and scribbles something on a piece of paper before handing it to Luz. “That’s an address. If we’re all gonna still eat, I need to collect on an old loan, so I need you to tell this guy to pay up.”
John crosses his arms. “Eda, a’m an angel with no memories and an addiction to 49 different drugs, nae yer wee messenger.”
Eda gives John a “I know your kryptonite” look as she says, “If you get the loan, I’ll get that Griffin Stake you like.”
“Ugh. Fine, bit ainlie cause ah lik’ griffin stake. Is that stuff even legal?”
“Do you even care? I could just get everything else and you’ll have to wait a whole month before you can have it again.”
“Hey, I’m nae saying anythin’, mate.”
Luz seems to think before saying, “Hey, we could explore a bit on the way. I mean, how much trouble can we get in? You do have that little book of crazy people.”
John puts the Rubix cube on the table, solved, and says, “Na, tis a scrapebook o’ fowk ‘n’ places we wid dae weel tae steer clear off ‘n’ fur guid reason.” John then points at Eda before saying, “Fine Eda, we’ll dae it, bit a’m blaming ye fur ony problems!”
Luz was about to speak when something smashes through the window. The strange worm-like being, named Hooty, has a wooden light beige owl face with a darker orange upper side, with brown eyes and an orange beak, along is a brown worm-ish body.
“Ooo, a delivery? I can do it!”
John laughs before saying, “Hell na, Hooty. Lest time Eda sent ye tae collect a debt, I threw my back out AND sprained my wings hiding the body.”
“It wasn’t THAT bad! Come on!”
“A bill o’ 10,000 snails from the Healing Cover for treatment says, ‘heaven no’ Hooty.”
Eda then adds, “I gotta agree with John, Hooty. I had to work at a concession stand for 2 MONTHS so we could pay up. I refuse to go through that torment again.” Eda then shudders at the grim memories of rude kids asking for a variety of things and the teeth-pulling to get them to pay the proper amount.
John buttons the first 4 buttons on his trench coat before walking to the door. “A’m gonnae fuckin’ regret this. C’moan, Luz. We shuid hurry afore some teeth-trader asks us fur a wee donation. Ah doubt ah kin deal wi’ that today.”
As Luz and John walk out the door and around to the front of the house, Eda downs the rest of her drink and she walks to the living room, where a rather furry demon is curled up on the couch.
King Clawthorne is a canine-like creature that somewhat resembles a wolf or a fox. He has mostly dark gray fur, although his belly and the tip of his tail are covered in purplish-gray fur. The highlight of his appearance is a dog-like skull with white horns on his head, one of which is broken. He has pink eyes with yellow sclera. He has three fingers and two toes that (excluding his thumbs) look like white claws.
As Eda sits down on the couch and sighs, King begins to stir.
“Weh? Where is everyone?”
“They went into town to do me a favor,” says Eda as she looks over at the tiny demon.
“Oh, are they getting any crackers?” asks King, who perks up at the possible prospect of salty crackers.
Eda laughs. “They’re not. I’ll buy some later.”
King cuddles back up, sad about the lack of salty crackers, when the door bursts open and into the house falls another witch, groaning and in pain.
Lilith Clawthorne is one for looking good, trying to at least get a little respect. However, that’s hard when you are wearing singed clothes and your hair looks like you JUST got out of bed.
Lilith is a tall and slender woman in her mid-40s. She has pale ivory skin, pointed ears, wears black lipstick, has long, straight, dark navy hair, and mint green eyes. She also has dark claw-like nails. After splitting the ole’ curse between herself and Eda, Lilith’s right eye became gray, and she obtained a gray streak on the right side of her hair. She also has prominent wrinkles under her eyes. As of the incident at the Coven Day Parade, the lower portion of her hair has become fluffy and curly. She’s wearing a pale green shirt with poofy sleeves and a gold button on the chest, a brown vest, a maroon ankle-length skirt, purplish-gray leggings, and brown high-heeled boots.
King hops off the couch and walks over to Lilith before prodding her with his toe.
“I think she’s dead.”
…
The following sounds like the start of a possibly dark joke: a dark red head with big black wings and a human with a red baseball bat walk down the street, looking for someone.
All around them, the duo sees people engaging in somewhat illegal activates, prompting John to say, “Is this th’ part whaur ah scream, ‘we’re a’ gonnae die?’ cause it feels lik’ now’s th’ time.”
Luz rolls her eyes before cracking a smile. “We’ll be fine. Who’d mess with us?”
“Child, th’ ainlie weapon ye hae is a bat ‘n’ a few glyphs. If some random cant tries tae mess wi’ us, ah kin juist fly aff. Ye, mah paukit ‘n’ young mukker, ur royally fucked.”
Luz gives her a stare that inspires hell in the angel. “Don’t call me a child or I will shove the bat where the sun doesn’t shine.”
Before he answers, John gains a look that has him wondering whether or not he’d enjoy that. “Kid, fae whit ah ken, a’m older than this entire rock. Ah kin ca’ ye ‘young’ a’ ah bloody want.”
As they turn and walk down a rather shady alley, John checks inside his trench coat to make sure he still has his gun: a Kimber Super Carry that he got several trips to the human realm ago.
Don’t ask HOW he got it, just accept it.
John walks to a specific door and knocks on it. The door opens and, sharing a quick look of caution, walk through it.
In many cartoons throughout the years, we have seen a rather strange room with a rather strange and rather magical system of staircases and doors. We’ve all seen it before in at least one show or comic.
Here’s the context: About 13 weeks (about 3 months) after John woke up without any of his memories, he had the smart idea to use magic to connect several parts of the Boiling Isles and a few days and 12 attempts later, a scroll holding several ancient spells showed up on the front door of the Owl House, while Hooty was asleep, addressed to John. He used the written spells to create the strange staircase system that only he could navigate.
Should he have been more cautious?
Yes.
Is he impulsive, in a house with an impulsive witch and an impulsive human?
Also yes.
John leads Luz throughout the maze of stairs until, while upside-down, they reach a door made of elm. He opens the door and goes through.
Luz had the common sense to get on the ground and grab the rim of the door on the other side before swinging through.
John, on the other hand, did not have that level of common sense and landed on his head, snapping his neck in twelve unusual locations.
John’s body jumps up and his neck quickly fixes itself.
“I wull ne’er git used tae that. Tis lik’ a drug rush, bit nae th’ guid kind,” says John as he twists his head back into its proper place.
The duo has now ended up in a rather large area of expensive places. They walk down the streets and check the address of every house they pass. Eventually they find the house.
So, of course, it’s the freakiest house in the entire neighborhood.
Think of the strangest and most horrifying house you can imagine. Got it yet? Now pay the rather lovely lady who did all the drawings of the big-eyed children, and you have the house Luz and John must go to.
Yes, that WAS our way to half-ass a description. Thank you for noticing, we try our best.
John takes one look at the house and says, “That’s it! a’m out!” before he turns around and starts to draw a large sigil in the dirt road.
“What do you mean? You can’t go now!” says Luz as she watches John finish his sigil.
“I cannae handle this while fuckin’ sober. A’m needin’ some weed, ‘n’ nae that shitty mass-produced jobby. A’m needin’ th’ rich, street-corner stuff.”
(Author’s note: While researching for this story, I learned that some people smoke weed and use other drugs to calm down and focus. For example, Steven Tyler, the main singer of Aerosmith, used to need to get drunk before every performance.)
John steps into the sigil before Luz puts on an expression of mock surprise and says, “You’re talking about weed in front of a kind, pure, and innocent child?”
John laughs – which being a man with a thick Scottish accent means he sounds like a walrus being choaked – before he says, “Oh, please. Ye’r aboot as innocent ‘n’ pure as Kayne West.”
“Must you make jokes like that?”
“I need tae dae SOMETHING fur entertainment.”
And with that, the sigil glows and John vanishes in a bit of smoke.
…
John power-walks down the streets of New York looking for someone. He sees a man sitting outside a bodega with stacks of newspapers and flowers and, in the ultimate homage to the TV show known as Suits, walks up to the man before saying, “Hullo, mah guid sur. A’d lik’ tae buy drugs please.”
The man, who looks like the stereotype white guy in a hoodie and jeans, looks at John with an unconvincing expression of confusion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, man? Best move along.”
John rolls his eyes before saying, “I ken how this wirks, pal. Ah gie ye dosh, ye gimme weed, hidden in a thing o’ flowers or a newspaper fur mah connivence.”
“Dosh?”
“Money, mate.”
“Oh.”
John looks at his watch for a second and then pulls out his wallet. “You ken, ah cuid aye tak’ mah business tae th’ dealer aff Lenox ave, near west 123rd wynd. Wid be easier…”
The dealer realizes the obvious truth and quickly grabs a rolled-up newspaper and hands it to John, who in turn hands over a 100-dollar bill.
“Thanks fur th’ illegal drugs!”
John very quickly runs off and before anyone notices, he vanishes. Only then does the Dealer look at the dollar and see that there is a snail in an old, powdered wig on it.
“What the fuc-”
…
Eda props Lillith onto the couch and hands her an extra strength healing potion as King says, “What happened to you?”
Lilith sighs. “It’s a long and messy story full of- when did you get Luz’s popcorn?”
Eda and King had indeed grabbed 2 bags of the already cooked popcorn you can get at the store. Eda throws some in her mouth as she says, “The second you said ‘messy’.”
This gets Lilith to do the most epic face palm in the history of face palms before saying, “Long story short, I was surprised by a Bibear while looking for Fire Bee honey.”
Eda, in an attempt to tease her sister, says, “Oh? The great Lilith Clawthorne felled by a simple Bibear?”
“You know those things are hard to deal with without magic!”
“Come on! Even I know that some ice takes care of them!”
“Well, Edalyn, where would I randomly get said ice from while in the woods?”
“With an Ice spell, what else?”
Lilith says nothing, but instead just waits a minute until Eda realizes the obvious.
